"Ruts"

Does anyone else ever feel as if they're stuck in the middle of a rut?

Where you just can't seem to shake the negativity? You can't get out of a weird "funk" that you've been hating, oh so much?


I've been stuck with this nasty guilt for a while now, and I have been asking my Heavenly Father for help in getting rid of it. I want to be able to move past it, I really do!


When Brooklyn was a wee one (7 months old), she got her first ear infection.

We moved in with my parents when she was almost 6 months old. We were expecting to live with them for no more than 2 months while we waited to close on our house. Ross was working a LOT, and rarely getting any sleep because of a reflux-ridden baby. I was exhausted ALL the time from never getting any sleep. Neither of us was completely "there". We were living in one bedroom of my parents house. 3 people. 1 bedroom. Not fun.

When we moved in with my parents, we put fleece blankets from their blanket closet on the 4 big windows in the bedroom. Brooklyn needs it to be dim for her to nap during the day, and pitch black for her to sleep at night (at least that's the only way we got any sleep in our old apartment). We bought some black out shades online, and put one up when we got them in. It took about 3 hours to get the one  window shade up. It was torture. We figured, we would find time to do one at a time when Brooklyn was up from naps/bed during the following weeks. Needless to say, we never got around to it. It was hard enough to keep enough clothes washed with all of the spitting up that B did back then. Once she had stopped spitting up, her ear infections had gotten brutal, and we never had time for anything.

Around 7 months old, Brooklyn started getting what we thought were really nasty colds, which lead to sinus infections, eye infections, and then ear infections. We all ended up with "colds" during the whole stay with my parents. We had humidifiers going, used up over a dozen bottles of saline spray, and had bugger suckers in all of our bags and several scattered around the house. We invested in "boogie wipes" (they rock). We even got the NasFrida Snot Sucker. We thought we were doing everything to keep this tiny human alive, and as healthy as we could. We were desperate. Brooklyn had 9 (I had to check my records) ear infections in the 5 1/2 months we were with my parents. They weren't the kind of ear infection that some of my friends have described to me either. These ear infections were the kind where we heard ear piercing screams, 7+ hours a day in the middle of them, her temperature reached 105 degrees multiple times. We slept for 1-2 TOTAL hours a night. She would only sleep on my chest (she could barely breath through the buggers).

During the week or two between ear infections, she was a happy baby. She started talking at about 6 1/2 months, scooting around the same time, crawling at 7 months, pulling up and walking around things at about 7 months as well, and we could tell that she SO badly wanted to take steps at around 8 months. She just didn't have the balance. Although, she had the strength and the coordination already. She was smiley, giggly, full of joy. We had so much fun with her.

During the times that she had ear infections, we just tried to survive.

Within 5 days of ending each antibiotic, she would have a new, awful ear infection. We were at our wits end. There were times where we would just lose it. Sob. Go into a room by ourselves and scream. I couldn't leave her side. It scared me to leave her with a family member, or even Ross for more than 30 minutes.

Through all of this, I thought I was doing everything I could. I didn't understand why she was still so sick.

Right after Christmastime (10 months old), Brooklyn started getting extreme diarrhea. We had been dealing with diarrhea as a side effect of her antibiotics for months at that point. This was NOT the typical diarrhea. Brooklyn would wake up every 15 minutes-1 hour SCREAMING, pushing hard to poop, and it would take her anywhere between 10 minutes- an hour to finally push out the tiniest squirt of liquid. We went through about 20-30 diapers a day for over 2 weeks. We couldn't leave the house.

During this time, we were preparing to close on our house, Mid-January.

We finally got her diarrhea to go away, only to end up with extreme constipation afterwards for months as her body adjusted to having normal bowel movements again. We made her eat all kinds of white breads, rice, potatoes, and limited her nursing (SO hard to do with a miserable baby who seeks comfort). She took a double dose of probiotics twice a day in yogurt. After 2 weeks, the diarrhea was gone. I will NEVER give Brooklyn antibiotics again without a daily probiotic. My poor baby suffered because I didn't know to give her probiotics at the time. Lesson learned.

When Brooklyn was 10 1/2 months old, we decided to get her tubes. We saw every doctor in our large pediatric practice. Every one of them agreed that the only solution that they could think of at that point was to get her tubes.

We saw Raleigh ENT about getting her tubes. They were AWESOME. We had her tubes put in 2 days before we closed on our house. The day we closed on our house (Brooklyn's 11 month birthday), Brooklyn took her first steps. She never stopped walking after that. The pressure behind her ear drums had been keeping her from being able to walk.

We struggled with 2 more ear infections in the following 3 weeks after we closed on our house. We were still living with my parents at the time, and painting our new house before moving in.

We moved into our house a week before Brooklyn's birthday. When Brooklyn woke up from her nap to go down to her birthday party that day, she had a fever of 103. I was distraught.

The next week, when we had finished getting all of the little things out of the bedroom we had been staying in, my mom went to clean the room, and get it back to its "perfect" state.


My mom pulled the fleece blankets off the windows, only to reveal mold all around the inside of the blankets, and all around the wood on the inside of the windows.


I still haven't been able to forgive myself for it.


Our favorite pediatrician, Dr. Lopez, had suggested just the week before that we try to put Brooklyn on allergy meds. All of her health issues could have been caused by an extreme environmental allergy.

I have a pretty nasty allergy to mold.

Brooklyn does as well.

We got rid of the mold. We check our house regularly for any signs of mold. We put Brooklyn on Claritin.

Her ear infections have never come back. She has not had a single sinus infection, or eye infection since. She has had one "normal" cold since. She sleeps through the night like an angel. She takes long 2 1/2 -3 hour naps. She is a happy, snuggly, giggly, stubborn, typical toddler.

Sometimes I still imagine her as the fussy, sick, miserable baby that she was. I am desperately trying to have a better view on things. One fussy afternoon can sometimes stick me back into that "funk". (hence my frustrated ramblings on Saturday)


I have been doing everything in my power to try to forgive myself. The only thing that I can think of at this point, is that it will just take more time. More prayer. More of being the best mom to Brooklyn that I can possibly be.


I will get there someday. But, for now, I am still in a rut. I'm working every single day to get out of it. I am putting all of my effort into seeing the joy, the smiles, and the laughter, instead of the whines, the tantrums, and the frustration.


I hope Brooklyn always knows how much her Mother loves her. I would give my life for her. I would do anything to change the mistakes that I have made in the short 17 1/2 months of her life. Though, those mistakes that I have made, have made me a better Mother.


I love you, my dear, darling little girl.

Sometimes we just need to rant

Today started out just like any other day. The typical 7:30 wakeup. The typical morning grouchiness from a certain toddler. The typical snuggle/bobby/blankie time.

Then I made a mistake.

I decided to run to a couple of yard sales to do some bargain hunting. My sister Hannah met us in Garner, where the sharewear and yard sales were that we were planning to go to. Along the way, we picked up some Chick Fil A for a little breakfast. About a mile from the Garner church building, Brooklyn gags on a piece of chicken, and promptly does what she does best. She vomits. She covers her beloved blankie in vomit, and about half of her car seat as well.  Lovely. Well, she pretty much missed her clothes.

I TOTALLY had it under control. We're familiar with vomit at this point. We used up a pack of wipes, used a plastic Target bag from the trunk, and we're good to go.

Next stop: the first yard sale of the day (turned out to be the only yard sale). As I'm sifting through some cute-ish toddler clothes, the kid finds a nasty piece of old candy stuck in a toy they had out. Sick!

SO not happening!

Cue tantrum #1

After I had paid for and grabbed my finds, we decided that we would head over to watch daddy's next softball game in Clayton. Afterall, we were closer to daddy than we were to home at this point. Why not?

Cue tantrum #2 ... the entire 25 min drive to Clayton (plus the stop for gas, because we had been running on empty this whole time). Mommy had a tantrum on the way as well. There's only so much screaming you can take...

By the time we got to Clayton, the poor child was shaking, covered in sweat (even with the freeze out that I was experiencing up front), had dried boogers all over her face, and looked like a hot mess. Already a bit more than frazzled at this point.

We get to the fields, get out of the car, and start walking up the sidewalk, and notice everyone walking towards us. They were all leaving for lunch. I'm thinking "great, we're getting back in that torture machine again".

 So, off we go. I made Ross drive, so I could keep Brooklyn from screaming the whole way. I let her have a sip of my lemonade, and she pulls the straw out and dumps the whole cup in her lap when I turn to talk to Ross. Lovely. Ross makes a turn, and suddenly my bottom is soaked with lemonade as well.

I'm already done by this point.

We meet our friends at Arby's. Brooklyn wouldn't let Ross touch her. Meaning, fussy tantrum throwing baby would only let me hold her. I ate about 5 bites of my salad.

Back in the car. Ross's turn to entertain the fuss pot.

We get to the field again. Things were looking up.

Brooklyn ate the entire bowl of cherries that Ross's friend brought for her kids. Okay... not that big of a deal. They didn't seem to mind too much.

Brooklyn then proceeded to take over just about everything within her sight. Coloring books and crayons, other kids toy cars, and then climbing as high as she could on everything and insisting on jumping off. Following all of the big kids around and annoying them. Grabbing random drinks (anything but her own), and throwing tantrums when I would take them away.

Then comes the 20 minutes of happiness.

She's running up and down the rows of bleachers giving everyone there a big high five. She's playing games and reading with Ross's team mates, and totally winning them all over. It was beautiful.

At this point, she is 2 hours past her normal nap time. I figured, she's happy, Ross is about to play. Let's stay, and support hubby/daddy.

Then we find out that it would be another hour until he would play.

And B starts having melt downs again. We make the move over to the field he'll be playing on, and settle ourselves on the stands. Brooklyn finds a couple of little babies in their strollers next to us. She then decides that it would be fun to try to touch them, hug them, kiss them... poke them, pat their head (uh-hum... face). First time momma's weren't looking too happy. I move her...

Tantrum #3

She runs in their direction. I attempt to change her direction with ice cream, baby dolls, sno cones, powerade, her VERY OWN PONY (okay, just kidding).

Tantrum #4

then...

Tantrum #5

Ross finally notices the H*** that is going on. He offers to take her on a walk.

20 mins later. I have a tired, thirsty, grumpy kid in my lap again, who has for the 4th time, almost thrown her head into the concrete during a...

Tantrum #6

The little monster proceeds to find random drinks that I didn't know existed, and dump them all over the stands for all of the other happy softball fans. Picks up random cigarette bud and rubs it all over her shirt before ALMOST putting it in her mouth.

We take a trip to the bathroom to wash ourselves up.

Back on the stands. I turn for a moment, and Brooklyn is trying to climb INTO the baby's stroller. He was sleeping. First time momma was NOT happy. I apologize about a million times.

Then we have,

Tantrum #7

and

Tantrum #8

Ross is who knows where, and we decide to go home.

We find Ross on our way back to the car.

We go home without getting to see hubby/daddy play.

Brooklyn is now in her crib, screaming. I'm not getting her out. She needs a nap... and I do too.



My big mistake: Leaving the house.




I have nannied for 7 families. Babysat for at least 3 dozen families. Potty trained 11 two and three year olds. I used to keep a spotless house. I used to cook dinner and bake.

You would think that I have it all together, right?

Now:
I rarely make dinner once a week. My house is always a mess. Our bedroom is still not completely unpacked. Don't even open our guest room door. We make grilled cheese, nachos, turkey sandwiches, omelets, and bowls of cereal for dinner more often than not.

I survive each week because my awesome mom and sister help me more than anyone would ever know. Sometimes help means watching Brooklyn for an hour, or letting me watch Lily so the girls play happily. Sometimes it means letting me rant about how much I hate my husband's job/chosen profession and what I see it doing to him. Sometimes it means letting me cry to them about how little I see my husband, and how tired I am of feeling like a single mom so often. And sometimes it just means that I know they are there if I ever need their help.

I simply don't know how I would do it without them.

I feel like as soon as one difficult stage ends, another one begins for us. Between the extreme reflux for 8 months, 1-2 total hours of sleep at night for the first year, the 5 months of constant ear infections that caused 105 degree temperatures, the antibiotic caused weeks of constant painful diarrhea, the expensive ear tubes that took weeks to work, and now the stubborn, tantrum throwing toddler with a great gag reflex.

It still breaks my heart every time I hear her cry.

Being a mom is hard. Even though today has been what most would describe as miserable, I couldn't imagine anyone else going through today with my sweetheart besides her own mother.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard. It seems impossible to make it through the day sometimes. But, amazingly, I have gotten through 535 days as a mom. I am grateful for every last one of them.


I will continue to be grateful for every day that I am given with my sweet little Brooklyn Rae.

A Mommy Moment To Remember

This morning came along a bit earlier than usual. I woke up to a nose bleed (what?), a toddler who just wouldn't sit still (or let me lay in bed), and a serious case of, "why did I stay up so late?"

Needless to say, I wasn't in the best mood.

So when I finally decided to get by lazy bum out of bed at 7:15, I got Brooklyn dressed, and proceeded to head downstairs to make breakfast for the two of us. Brooklyn ate half of a cup of yogurt and an entire bowl of applesauce all by herself, while I made us some cheesy scrambled eggs, which she also gobbled. Boy, is she a good eater!

The two of us went into the family room to turn on her Baby Einstein animals video (which she rarely sits for 30 seconds of), and she surprised me by watching the entire thing and trying to name and kiss each of the animals that she recognized as they came on the screen. Cute, huh? Maybe she watched it because I was sitting next to her, pointing to the animals and talking to her about each of them? I decided to turn her other animal video on since she really seemed to be on a roll with learning animal names. I got the video started and sort of noticed her rummaging around in her little basket of toys that we keep in the family room. I heard her say "beebee", and heard a sweet little "mwah."

I turned to watch her as she took a couple of steps towards me. She hadn't even noticed me next to her. Her focus was entirely on her baby doll snuggled in her arms. She had one hand under the baby's bottom, and one had on the back of the baby's head, with the baby's face snuggled into her chest. She began swaying slowly, hummed softly, and just stood there for a minute or two, giving the baby love and kisses.

In that moment, I realized that my ever so busy toddler really does notice the soft, tender love that I show her everyday.

My kind words and actions towards her make a difference.

The special moments that we share together are ones that she remembers as well.

And a confirmation of something that I have always known: She has a kind, gentle, and ever so loving heart.

My darling sweet baby girl is such a wonderful example to me each day. I have learned more in the past 15 months about my Heavenly Father's love for each of his children than I could have hoped to learn in the previous 24 years.

This is about 5 minutes after the sweet snuggling. She was still holding that baby!

I have had dozens of these wonderful "mommy" moments to remember, and am kicking myself for not writing them down previously. Though, I know I will have hundreds more, and I WILL write them down. I may not share each one of them with you, but I WILL write them down for memories sake, and for my sweet daughter to read someday.

My Inspiration

My dear sweet Bee-bee,

You are a strong, determined, sweet, kind, snuggly, active, bright, and capable little girl. You figure out how to do just about everything on your first try. You have mastered using a fork. You say 35+ words. You're learning your letter sounds at bath time with me. You love to read your special nursery rhyme book from Grandma. You can climb up just about any uncovered slides and slide down them all by yourself. You can climb up onto couches, low beds, chairs, and sometimes on top of tables. You love to jump, bounce, run, dance, sing, hug, snuggle, and chat with mommy. Your eyes melt me every time you look deeply into my eyes and hum to me as I rock you. You hug and kiss your baby and say, "awww", as you do it. You are my first baby. My first little love. Your smile lights up a room. Your giggle turns heads.

I see so much of myself in you. You're stubborn like your momma. You have a will that just can't be broken, and I really don't want to break it anyways. You have a love of life and learning that will help you to achieve anything that you want. I love teaching you how to show love. I just means that I get to snuggle, hug, and kiss on you all day. You have a vivacious, happy personality that helps me to see the positive in life each day.

Thank you for showing me what true love is. Thank you for letting me love on you in return. There are plenty of days where I really need it. Thank you for being you.

And most of all, I thank my Heavenly Father each day for letting me be your mother.

Love,

Your mom

Newfound Determination

I've never been a "dedicated" blogger, or journal-writer. I have a gorgeous, bright, silly little girl. Why ever would I not write it all down somewhere?

I have been dealing with some pretty serious guilt over here, and I have decided after reading my sister-in-law, Marci's blog, its time to make a change.

Please bear with my awful writing abilities, lack of humor, and ramblings. I'm really going to give this my best shot this time! I really do have an awesome family, promise!

Brooklyn Rae Weatherspoon

February 16th, 2011
7 lbs 5 oz
20.5 inches long

She is absolutely beautiful.

"Hold your horses"

I know, I know... Brooklyn has been in this world for exactly 3 months 11 days and 13 hours. I get it. I'm behind.

Just so you know before you read on, I won't be posting any pictures for your enjoyment just yet. I'm working on organizing and editing them at the moment. Unfortunately, as soon as I get semi-caught up, I get behind again with new pictures.

But, I promise there are ADORABLE pictures headed your way. Seriously.

Patience.