"Ruts"

Does anyone else ever feel as if they're stuck in the middle of a rut?

Where you just can't seem to shake the negativity? You can't get out of a weird "funk" that you've been hating, oh so much?


I've been stuck with this nasty guilt for a while now, and I have been asking my Heavenly Father for help in getting rid of it. I want to be able to move past it, I really do!


When Brooklyn was a wee one (7 months old), she got her first ear infection.

We moved in with my parents when she was almost 6 months old. We were expecting to live with them for no more than 2 months while we waited to close on our house. Ross was working a LOT, and rarely getting any sleep because of a reflux-ridden baby. I was exhausted ALL the time from never getting any sleep. Neither of us was completely "there". We were living in one bedroom of my parents house. 3 people. 1 bedroom. Not fun.

When we moved in with my parents, we put fleece blankets from their blanket closet on the 4 big windows in the bedroom. Brooklyn needs it to be dim for her to nap during the day, and pitch black for her to sleep at night (at least that's the only way we got any sleep in our old apartment). We bought some black out shades online, and put one up when we got them in. It took about 3 hours to get the one  window shade up. It was torture. We figured, we would find time to do one at a time when Brooklyn was up from naps/bed during the following weeks. Needless to say, we never got around to it. It was hard enough to keep enough clothes washed with all of the spitting up that B did back then. Once she had stopped spitting up, her ear infections had gotten brutal, and we never had time for anything.

Around 7 months old, Brooklyn started getting what we thought were really nasty colds, which lead to sinus infections, eye infections, and then ear infections. We all ended up with "colds" during the whole stay with my parents. We had humidifiers going, used up over a dozen bottles of saline spray, and had bugger suckers in all of our bags and several scattered around the house. We invested in "boogie wipes" (they rock). We even got the NasFrida Snot Sucker. We thought we were doing everything to keep this tiny human alive, and as healthy as we could. We were desperate. Brooklyn had 9 (I had to check my records) ear infections in the 5 1/2 months we were with my parents. They weren't the kind of ear infection that some of my friends have described to me either. These ear infections were the kind where we heard ear piercing screams, 7+ hours a day in the middle of them, her temperature reached 105 degrees multiple times. We slept for 1-2 TOTAL hours a night. She would only sleep on my chest (she could barely breath through the buggers).

During the week or two between ear infections, she was a happy baby. She started talking at about 6 1/2 months, scooting around the same time, crawling at 7 months, pulling up and walking around things at about 7 months as well, and we could tell that she SO badly wanted to take steps at around 8 months. She just didn't have the balance. Although, she had the strength and the coordination already. She was smiley, giggly, full of joy. We had so much fun with her.

During the times that she had ear infections, we just tried to survive.

Within 5 days of ending each antibiotic, she would have a new, awful ear infection. We were at our wits end. There were times where we would just lose it. Sob. Go into a room by ourselves and scream. I couldn't leave her side. It scared me to leave her with a family member, or even Ross for more than 30 minutes.

Through all of this, I thought I was doing everything I could. I didn't understand why she was still so sick.

Right after Christmastime (10 months old), Brooklyn started getting extreme diarrhea. We had been dealing with diarrhea as a side effect of her antibiotics for months at that point. This was NOT the typical diarrhea. Brooklyn would wake up every 15 minutes-1 hour SCREAMING, pushing hard to poop, and it would take her anywhere between 10 minutes- an hour to finally push out the tiniest squirt of liquid. We went through about 20-30 diapers a day for over 2 weeks. We couldn't leave the house.

During this time, we were preparing to close on our house, Mid-January.

We finally got her diarrhea to go away, only to end up with extreme constipation afterwards for months as her body adjusted to having normal bowel movements again. We made her eat all kinds of white breads, rice, potatoes, and limited her nursing (SO hard to do with a miserable baby who seeks comfort). She took a double dose of probiotics twice a day in yogurt. After 2 weeks, the diarrhea was gone. I will NEVER give Brooklyn antibiotics again without a daily probiotic. My poor baby suffered because I didn't know to give her probiotics at the time. Lesson learned.

When Brooklyn was 10 1/2 months old, we decided to get her tubes. We saw every doctor in our large pediatric practice. Every one of them agreed that the only solution that they could think of at that point was to get her tubes.

We saw Raleigh ENT about getting her tubes. They were AWESOME. We had her tubes put in 2 days before we closed on our house. The day we closed on our house (Brooklyn's 11 month birthday), Brooklyn took her first steps. She never stopped walking after that. The pressure behind her ear drums had been keeping her from being able to walk.

We struggled with 2 more ear infections in the following 3 weeks after we closed on our house. We were still living with my parents at the time, and painting our new house before moving in.

We moved into our house a week before Brooklyn's birthday. When Brooklyn woke up from her nap to go down to her birthday party that day, she had a fever of 103. I was distraught.

The next week, when we had finished getting all of the little things out of the bedroom we had been staying in, my mom went to clean the room, and get it back to its "perfect" state.


My mom pulled the fleece blankets off the windows, only to reveal mold all around the inside of the blankets, and all around the wood on the inside of the windows.


I still haven't been able to forgive myself for it.


Our favorite pediatrician, Dr. Lopez, had suggested just the week before that we try to put Brooklyn on allergy meds. All of her health issues could have been caused by an extreme environmental allergy.

I have a pretty nasty allergy to mold.

Brooklyn does as well.

We got rid of the mold. We check our house regularly for any signs of mold. We put Brooklyn on Claritin.

Her ear infections have never come back. She has not had a single sinus infection, or eye infection since. She has had one "normal" cold since. She sleeps through the night like an angel. She takes long 2 1/2 -3 hour naps. She is a happy, snuggly, giggly, stubborn, typical toddler.

Sometimes I still imagine her as the fussy, sick, miserable baby that she was. I am desperately trying to have a better view on things. One fussy afternoon can sometimes stick me back into that "funk". (hence my frustrated ramblings on Saturday)


I have been doing everything in my power to try to forgive myself. The only thing that I can think of at this point, is that it will just take more time. More prayer. More of being the best mom to Brooklyn that I can possibly be.


I will get there someday. But, for now, I am still in a rut. I'm working every single day to get out of it. I am putting all of my effort into seeing the joy, the smiles, and the laughter, instead of the whines, the tantrums, and the frustration.


I hope Brooklyn always knows how much her Mother loves her. I would give my life for her. I would do anything to change the mistakes that I have made in the short 17 1/2 months of her life. Though, those mistakes that I have made, have made me a better Mother.


I love you, my dear, darling little girl.